It’s late on September 1st, around 10 pm, and I’m sitting here with my thoughts heavier than ever. I just read on the local Facebook scanner page about a 15-year-old girl who shot herself in the head. Fifteen. A child.
As far as I know, while I type this, she is still alive. I pray she makes it through.
My chest caved in when I read it because that’s exactly how my grandmother ended her life—she shot herself in the head, too. She wasn’t 15, she was in her mid-70s. But it doesn’t matter—suicide does not discriminate. The young, the old, the in-between. It can steal from anyone.
And tonight, I couldn’t keep quiet anymore.
My Story, My Weight
I’ve lost four people in my life to suicide. Two of them were still in high school. Ryan was in his early 30s. Michael was only 15. Dan was 16 or 17—I can’t even remember exactly anymore, and I feel guilty for that. But what I do remember is that he mattered. And my grandmother, in her 70s, whose death still lingers with me.
When I was younger, I struggled with self-harm. At 13, I stopped. But here I am at 36, and I still fight the urges. I still have passive suicidal thoughts. There are days I have to peel myself out of bed. Days where I think, if I drove off the road right now, if someone came in and robbed the store and I got shot, I wouldn’t be mad about it. That’s the dark truth I’ve carried around silently.
I stay because they didn’t.
That shouldn’t be my motto, but it is.
And yet, I have a beautiful life. A husband, children, and dreams I’m finally chasing. My life is chaotic, messy, and sometimes a complete shit show, but it’s mine. And I’m working so damn hard to make it mean something. For me. For my kids. For my future grandchildren.
Still, the cost of what it’s taken to get here is numbing. The losses. The abuse. The endless stream of trauma after trauma—it feels like every other full moon brings another blow. Most people experience a handful of traumatic events in their lives. Me? I’ve endured more than I can count. And when I look back at it all, I honestly wonder how I haven’t given in yet.
But I didn’t. And I won’t. Not now.
The Hard Truth
Here’s the reality we can’t ignore:
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1 person in the U.S. dies by suicide every 11 minutes.
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Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 10–14 and 15–24.
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In 2023 alone, there were 49,266 suicides among people 12 and older. For every death, there were:
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10 ER visits for self-harm
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48 self-reported attempts
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325 people who seriously considered it
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1 in 20 adults in the U.S. has serious thoughts of suicide each year.
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LGBTQ+ youth face staggering risk: 41% considered suicide, 32% made a plan, and 20% attempted.
These aren’t just numbers. These are people.
Ryan. Michael. Dan. My grandmother.
And now, that 15-year-old girl in my town.
What Suicide Leaves Behind
When someone takes their own life, yes, their pain ends. But the weight of it—the questions, the guilt, the grief—it all lands on the people left behind. We carry it tenfold. And often, the person didn’t want to die because they hated life—they just didn’t want to feel like a burden.
What they didn’t know is that I, and so many of us, would’ve answered the phone at 2 a.m. I would’ve driven across states. I would’ve found a way.
If you’re reading this and you’re hurting: your life matters. Your story matters. You matter.
My First Step in Facing It
I’ve never really faced my trauma head-on. I’ve pushed it down, carried it, pretended it wasn’t as heavy as it is. But now, as I approach 40, I’ve decided I want to be free from it. I want to break the cycle that has stolen too many people from me.
I’m opening up, and it feels terrifying. It makes me feel weak. But weakness is part of healing, too. Writing this, telling my truth, is the first step.
If You’re Struggling
I don’t have all the answers. I can’t save everyone. But I can try. And I can share what’s out there for anyone reading this who feels like silence is the only option:
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Call or Text 988 — the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24/7)
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Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741
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The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386
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Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860
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Veterans Crisis Line: Dial 988, then press 1
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Or, if you’re in immediate danger, call 911
And if talking feels impossible—start with writing. Journal. Get it out of your head and onto paper. Because silence gets loud inside, and that’s when the dark places come.
Final Words
Suicide affects us all. It is a ripple effect of pain. But it can be prevented. It starts with opening up. It starts with connection. It starts with breaking the silence.
I’m still here. I stay because they didn’t.
And if you’re reading this—you can stay too.
